Category Archives: Humour

Fame and Victimhood by Sonia Poison


Sonia Poison

It’s been almost two years since I last posted on The Needle but in those two years I’ve been extremely angry. Gojam is still a complete prick and refuses to pay me for my fine investigative germilism. I’ve proved that the McCann’s are key members of the illuminati, I’ve demonstrated that professional meteorologists refuse to answer my question about chemtrails and are therefore part of the global cover-up, and that Wagon Wheels have reduced in size since I was a child. And still that obnoxious prick gojam will not pay me!

Have you noticed recently that making a false allegation can propel a worthy individual to fame and fortune? My good friend Rhesus Monkey, who is very clever, said to me recently that the best way I can get the respect and  recognition I deserve is to make an allegation of victimhood – but I just wasn’t sure and so I had a long chat with my good friend and fellow germalist Mark Twats. Mark knows everything there is to know about making false allegations in an attempt at getting temporary fame. – “Sonia”, he told me, “If you’re going to do this then I’d recommend making a complaint to the Metropolitan Police because in my experience they won’t bother doing the most simple background checks and their police officers have absolutely no sense of shame.”

“Really?”, if I’m honest I was shocked but Mark reassured me, “Sonia” he convincingly opined, ” I was party to that terrible and embarrassing police investigation Operation Highland (Operation name has been changed to protect the incompetent) and I can tell you that if the Metropolitan police will give credence to that stinking  pile of bullshit, then they’ll believe anything.”

“But didn’t the Met make critical inquiries about the allegations in Operation Highland?”

“No!” Mark adamantly responded “and this is the beauty of it all. The Metropolitan Police will only attempt to ‘prove’ your allegation. Actual detective work has gone out of the window.”

“OK, now that is interesting” I replied “because a former victim of child abuse, Barry Lavalamp has sent me  some nasty tweets but the problem is that in the past I’ve been involved in a blog that falsely accused him of being a rapist and the tweets were in response to that.”

“Don’t worry about that.” Mark  said. “It doesn’t matter. The Metropolitan Police won’t bother checking! If they couldn’t be bothered to do a background check on my source ‘Mick’, then they won’t be bothered to do a background check on your activities. Think about it Sonia – I’m so famous now that Tom Gaunt takes my calls.Do this and the ‘Sky’s’ the limit”

I thought about it and then I had a chat with Kay Burley of Sky News -“Kay, you’re a lot younger than me, are more talented, and have better make-up than I have but you understand that women in ‘our’ profession need to fight…” just then my ex toy boyfriend Gangsta ‘gun toting’ Lee Ruin turned the TV over to ‘Judge Judy’ and Kay didn’t have the opportunity to reply – I really wish he wouldn’t do that…



Filed under Humour, Sonia Poison

Exclusive: Rupert Murdoch Gives Nazi Salute

Rupert Murdoch

From The Needle’s royal correspondent

A shocking photograph of media mogul Rupert Murdoch apparently giving a Nazi salute has emerged.

There is no way of verifying the context in which Rupert Murdoch makes this public gesture in support of Adolf Hitler but it is bound to be an image that he now regrets.

This public backing of the Anti-Semitic policies of the Nazis and the apparent support of the holocaust by Rupert Murdoch is sure to be controversial.

A spokesperson for Rupert Murdoch in response to our inquiries said, “What ? Who are you?”

The spokesperson at no point denied that the photograph of Rupert Murdoch making this fascist salute in support of the architects of the Blitz was genuine.


Filed under Humour, Personal

Exclusive: Shocking Photo: Young Queen Heils Taxi


Are you going south of the river ?

A shocking photo of an impressionable young girl trying to heil a taxi has been published by a tabloid newspaper owned by an Australian republican.

[I really can’t be bothered. Goodnight!]


Filed under Humour, Personal

The Usual Suspects


The Victim: Jagger

Following the tragic death of Jagger the Irish setter at Crufts 2015 by poisoning, The Needle’s crime correspondent Hugh Dunnatt examines this heinous crime and looks at the key suspects.

Jagger, a resident of Belgium, was a well behaved dog by all accounts, an easy temperament and so suicide can almost certainly be ruled out.  Tests found that Jagger – pedigree name Thendara Satisfaction – had eaten cubed beef laced with a lethal cocktail of up to three different poisons.

Mrs Milligan-Bott, the dog’s owner, explained that Jagger was only left alone on a handful of occasions and then for no longer than 15 minutes. She is unsure if that was before or after he entered the show ring.

She told Dog World magazine’s website that nothing appeared untoward until Jagger returned to her home in Kilsby, Northamptonshire, after competing on the first day of the show on Thursday.

‘All the dogs were all running and playing together and Jagger seemed a bit tired, unable to keep up with the others,’ she said.

‘Three or four hours later, after getting back to Belgium, he collapsed and by the time the vet arrived he was dead.

Given the limited opportunities to commit this crime there are very few suspects.

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Suspect 1 ‘Horatio’

Horatio has a record as long as your arm and is extremely anti-social. He was once kept indoors for 3 weeks for running off while being walked. He was not found for 5 hours and when he was found he was extremely muddy and needed a bath. Getting on a bit now, Horatio has been in retirement following the ‘barking incident’ of 2012 but an insider noted that Horatio was still capable of devious behaviour. “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” he explained, “And Horatio knows most of them.”

Horatio has no alibi for the time in question.


Suspect 2: The Stengel brothers. Drake, Raleigh, and Cooky

Generally, acknowledged to be one of the most effective criminal gangs in the dog underworld the Stengel brothers have specialised in theft. That said this nasty pack would have no moral qualms about committing murder if the price was right and enough bonios were offered. Their Modus Operandi is the distraction technique with Drake and Raleigh drawing everyone’s attention while Cooky slyly does the dirty. All the dogs were present but there is some confusion as to whether two or three of the Stengel gang have alibis. An unexplained box of dog treats were found in their pen. They are refusing to cooperate with investigators.

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Suspect 3: ‘Babyface’ Malone

Do not be taken in by the cute appearance of ‘Babyface’ Malone, too many have and regretted it later. Malone is a ‘wooflessly’ efficient criminal canine who has been chewing furniture and stealing other dog’s toys from the moment he was born. He is suspected of being behind the ‘Pee-Gate’ scandal last year. He has no alibi for the time in question.

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Suspect 4: Arthur

 Arthur is a mongrel and can give no explanation as to why he was at Crufts. Always in the vicinity when heinous crimes of this nature are committed he has never been found guilty of anything so much as a misdemeanour. His alibi is that he was attempting to hump the leg of one of the judges at the time. This alibi has not yet been verified.


Filed under Humour, News

“Girl Water Diviner” 1954 Pathe News

I’ve been having a little fun looking through old Pathe News stories and this one made me laugh.


Filed under Humour, Personal

Job Advert For Vice Admiral

Damn! I missed this one.


1 Comment

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Trolling: By Sonia Poison


Sonia Poison

Hello everyone!

My name is Sonia Poison and I’m very angry.

Right now I’m very angry that I accepted the invitation to be the new commentator for The Needle. I’m angry because gojam doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. I should be in charge of The Needle because I’m a real germalist, a professional germalist. You can check me out if you don’t believe me. What you don’t believe me? Well you’re just not checking hard enough! Have you checked the Shoreditch Parish newsletter and my article about trolling ? The editor, Rev Peedribble, said it was very good!

I know all about trolling. My good friend Rhesus Monkey and I know all there is to know about trolling.

There was this troll that has been attacking my dear sweet good friend Rhesus Monkey and myself. He’s a rapist!! I mean he would only have been a child himself at the time and he denies it but they all do don’t they! And you should have seen the way he trolled us both in response to that. And all we were doing was just asking questions!

Doesn’t he understand that is what germalists like me do ? We ask questions! We are the difference between a decent society full of people like those that follow me on twitter and a world full of rapists. We just don’t get recognised for all of our hard work.

Rhesus Monkey was only asking me the other day, “Sonia”, he asked, “why do they hate us so much when we’re only asking questions like what proper germalists do?”

“Rhesus”, I replied, “the very fact that they hate us justifies everything we do. In fact the more everyone hates us the more right we must be.” Rhesus thought for a while and then said something very clever, “In that case Sonia if they hate us twice as much we must be twice as right!”

And he’s correct! We must re-double our efforts. These trolls can’t get away with it!

One of Rhesus Monkey’s friends Joan Ruffle had a big problem with trolling too. She was only writing to people’s employers and telling them about the criminal records that they don’t have. And for this, just this, she got attacked! OK, she had no proof and she was wrong but just because she was wrong about the facts doesn’t mean she was wrong to write the emails . Rhesus Monkey and I don’t like them and if we don’t like them then they are on the ‘wrong ‘un’ list.

And do you know how these trolls responded ? Eh? Do you ? No, you don’t. They responded by trolling our dear gentle sweet friend Joan Ruffle. Trolling! Disgusting! All she was doing was letting their employers know about the criminal records that they don’t have and that is how they respond!

Anyway, I’m not happy about working for The Needle. Not at all. Gojam isn’t a germalist like me but I’m going to use this opportunity as a stepping stone to where I should be, BBC News, Sky News or Channel 4 News.

You know I was just talking to Jon Snow, of Channel 4 News the other day. “Jon” I said,”You’ve got a lot of diversity represented on Channel 4 News but you haven’t got any elderly female presenters. What I think you need…” I had to stop talking to Jon Snow at that point as Ryan turned the TV over to watch ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’. I do hate it when he does that.

Next Monday I shall be here to tell you all about the McCanns and how angry they make me.

Angrily yours,

Sonia Poison



Filed under Humour, Sonia Poison

Being Benjamin Netanyahu

Official Paris Unity March photograph from The Kosher Times



Filed under Humour

UK Media Bravely Stand With Charlie Hebdo In Solidarity

The Needle’s Media Correspondent reports:

UK Mainstream Media outlets stood in solidarity, declaring their support for the principle of Freedom of Speech following the murder by Islamic extremists of 12 people in an attack on French satirical paper Charlie Hebdo.

The Daily Mail bravely published a Charlie Hebdo cartoon while explaining that the Islamic extremists had targeted Charlie Hebdo because they had published cartoons that Muslims had found offensive. Just like this one about Jews.


The Independent steadfastly refused to be bowed by this challenge to freedom of speech courageously publishing a Charlie Hebdo cartoon declaring that this cartoon featuring the Pope was similarly offensive to the ones that probably provoked the attacks.


The Sun stressed the need for every journalist to stand as one and not to allow themselves to be dictated to by extremists who want to change our natural freedoms and way of life. And to demonstrate this they fearlessly published a Charlie Hebdo cartoon, noting that some feminists would find this cartoon as offensive as the ones that had upset Islamic extremists..


The Guardian went a step further dauntlessly risking the wrath of Michael Jackson fans by publishing this Charlie Hebdo cartoon demonstrating as they did so that they stood shoulder to shoulder with all who stood against censorship of a free press.

CaptureThe Daily Telegraph made it absolutely clear that they would not be dictated to and unflinchingly published a Charlie Hebdo cartoon and explained to their readers that this cartoon about gay marriage was drawn by the same people who had been shot for drawing other cartoons.

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All in all, this is a very sad day for journalists in the UK and everywhere but a proud one too as they can say that they stood in solidarity against those that would curtail Freedom of Speech and declared with one voice;

Je suis Charlie! (Mais un charlie différents. Pas celui qui publie des caricatures de Mahomet. Comprendre?)


Filed under Humour

A Message From Our Sponsor.

We, at Daz, know how difficult it is to keep those blacks really black! And so we’ve developed new improved Daz washing detergent 


Mrs Khan

To test this we asked Mrs Khan to wash the clothes of her local jihadi group.

After just 10 washes the results are startling !

She used New Daz for half of the group’s work clothes and her usual washing detergent for the other half !


See how the clothes on the right have faded and yet those washed with New Daz are as black as the day they were bought !


Now Mrs Khan won’t use anything other than New Daz !




Filed under Humour

Merry Christmas !

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of our readers from The Needle Team !

Without you we’d be nothing. We really appreciate all your comments and support.


Filed under Humour, Personal

BBC’s Quentin Sommerville Struggles To Complete His Piece To Camera (While Standing Next To Burning Drugs)

Rule 1 : Enjoy your job!

Rule 2 : Don’t stand down wind.

Comments Off on BBC’s Quentin Sommerville Struggles To Complete His Piece To Camera (While Standing Next To Burning Drugs)

Filed under Humour

Peter Cook’s Biased Judge Sketch (In honour Of Jeremy Thorpe)

I’m sure it’s what he would have wanted…


Filed under Humour

Please Welcome The Latest Needleteam Member!

Anyone who watched the debate regarding the child abuse inquiry debacle in the House of Commons on this last Monday 3rd November, following the statement by the Home Secretary, Theresa May will have had no doubt who the real star of the show was. It was the fly.

As John Grace noted in The Guardian

“She [Theresa May] was also being stalked by a fly that buzzed around her head throughout the session. It eventually settled on her head and she no longer had the strength to swat it away. The shit may not have quite yet hit the fan, but even the flies sense it is not far away.”

Following such a bravado Parliamentary performance and having clearly demonstrated a canny and unerring sense for bullshit and cover-up, I was very eager to meet this investigative upstart.

I waited patiently in the lobby and soon spotted him edging his way slowly toward a Conservative MP who I can not name. I didn’t want to interrupt him in his work and so I waited until after he’d defecated on a cream cake that the MP was soon to eat and then introduced myself.

I learned that the fly’s name was Freddy. He was very polite but explained that he had some serious work to do in the House of Lords but he agreed to meet up with me later that evening.

As arranged we met up and I asked him if he’d consider joining the Needleteam as our chief political reporter. I’m pleased to say that he didn’t hesitate to accept. His skill in identifying VIP paedophiles and those who knew and covered it up is unparalleled and I’ve set him to work straight away.

For some reason Freddy the Fly has taken a particular interest in this photograph.


Thatch Fly



Filed under Humour

“Britain’s X-Idol Get Me Out of Superstar Dancing on Pop Factor with Celebrity Talent Strictly on Ice – Jesus Christ.”

CSA is a very serious subject matter. At one time or another we have all had to take breaks from our involvement because of the subject matter. Often, the only way through is with a little bit of humour.

When farce presents itself, sometimes it’s difficult to ignore it.
Our normal service will be resumed shortly…


Filed under Humour

Should I Stay or Should I Go?


Filed under Humour

Royal Foetus Urges Scotland To Vote ‘No’ In Referendum.



Following a recent poll which has shown, for the first time a lead, for the ‘Yes’ campaign for Scottish independence, it has been announced that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridgeshire’s unborn second child has been using semaphore to urge the people of Scotland to vote ‘No’ in the referendum which takes place in ten days time on the 18th September.

“A series of images of the royal foetus clearly show it desperately signalling a message to the Scottish electorate.” Dr Fuller-Krep told The Needle’s royal correspondent.

“When the foetus is born it will be 4th in line to the throne and so it is quite understandable that it would want to protect it’s birthright” he went on to explain. “It is very difficult to decipher but I think it is clear that he does not want Scotland to split from the UK.”

‘Lie back and think of Scotland’

Asked by The Needle whether this was all just a lame attempt at trying to influence the referendum vote, a senior royal insider said, “Err… is it that obvious ? I mean, of course not but as we have been blessed by this happy occasion it would be foolish not to take this opportunity to remind the Scottish people of all they will lose.”

The Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne offered a carrot and stick choice to the Scots. “If the Scottish people vote ‘No’ in the referendum, I have it on good authority that the child will be called Prince Jock but if they vote ‘Yes’ then he’ll be given an English name and he certainly won’t be shared with Scotland.”



Filed under Humour

Yet More ‘Billy No Mates’ E-Petitions

A couple of times a year I find and post my top ‘Billy No Mates’ E-Petitions. To qualify they all, at the time of posting, have only one signature (presumably their own)

I’m posting my top 10 here but I’ve posted 22 on Twitter.

In no particular order.

1) National Takeaway Month by Mr Mozzerella

Responsible department: Department for Culture, Media and Sport

The USA has National Ice Cream month, so JUST EAT would like the UK Government to dedicate August National Takeaway Month.
Nothing much else happens in August, anyway.


2) Right to Form Militia by Ian Paul Dale

Responsible department: Home Office

Citizens of the UK should be given the right to form militia to help support the internal security of the United Kingdom, in times of threat or national emergency.


3) Make Paul McCartney’s ‘Pipes of Peace’ the national anthem by Jake Wydrzynski

Responsible department: Department for Culture, Media and Sport

An English national anthem should be about its nation and its people, not about religion, the monarch or the killing of the Scotts.
This is why I think that Paul MacCartney’s Pipes of peace is an excellent national anthem for England because it promotes peace and unity, not power and murder.

4) Put clocks forward on a Monday afternoon by James Frew

Responsible department: Department for Business, Innovation and Skills

Instead of the usual confusing and depressing Saturday night/Sunday morning, why not move the clocks forward on a Monday afternoon.

This would create an excellent happy feeling amongst workers and would have a positive effect on small local businesses as many would dine out or go for an after work drink to celebrate finishing work early.


5) Changing of police strobe lights to pink. by Christopher Gare

Responsible department: Home Office

During protest situations it is difficult to tell police vehicles and ambulances and or fire engines apart which could cause delay or even death. We request that police vehicles strobe lights are switched to pink as this is more noticeable that blue as the police state. Also it would curve police behavior from acting like a gang of corporate thugs with little respect for the law and remind them they are servants of the people and secondly corporations.


6) Ban Condoms Machines by Richard Teasdale

Responsible department: Department of Health

Condoms are too widely available and by having them in every single pub we go into it just promotes promiscuity and sleeping around. They do NOT promote safe sex and do NOT stop unplanned pregnancy or STIs.

7) For Police to have no involvement in religious matters by Neil Cox

Responsible department: Home Office

I think it is wrong for someone to get Police to back them up in religious matters. It is like forcing someone to change their belief.
The Police told me to accept I was forgiven even though my friend did not want to reconcile.
My beliefs (as a Jehovah’s Witness) told me that Jehovah will not let her get away with this. But the Police said I may be arrested if I contacted her again. She and the Police may now be liable for Armageddon destruction. They also think this MY fault.
I think my friend’s Church just did not like her being friends with a JW (see?).
So the Police need to stay out of what is not their business. Surely they have got better things to do than argue with Christians.


8) That “Height” be added to protected characteristics of the Equality Act 2010 by Matthew Robert Ibbotson Wood

Responsible department: Department for Culture, Media and Sport

Height is currently not listed under the Protected Characteristics of the Equality Act of 2010. Height is something that an individual can do nothing about, however, companies are allowed to specify a minimum / maximum height without giving just cause.

We, the undersigned, wish for a change of law that would require employers to provide a valid reason within the law as to why they are asking for a minimum / maximum height.


9) Fund research into Avatar technology. by a barrie

Responsible department: Department for Business, Innovation and Skills

We call on the government to commit funding to look into the possibility of UK citizens each having an Avatar. Like in the movie of the same name. This could transform the lives of the elderly and disabled and if we made our Avatar’s big and strong then we might win more Olympic medals too.


10) Prohibiting ‘lethal autonomous robots’ (killer robots) by Gregory Watson

Responsible department: Ministry of Defence

It is morally wrong to develop and operate lethal autonomous robots – machines that are programmed in advance to take out people or targets, and which unlike drones operate autonomously on the battlefield. If the UK intends on killing enemies, this should be done human on human. The Government should prohibit their development and ban their use.




Filed under Humour

Exclusive: Oswald Mosley Defends Hitler’s Actions.


Oswald Mosley

The Needle can exclusively reveal that Oswald Mosely, leader of the British Union of Kips, has defended Adolf Hitler’s recent military action in the Sudetenland.

The Prince of Wales had recently said that Adolf Hitler was behaving like Gengis Khan but Mr Mosley disagreed saying “There are times when it might be better for the Prince of Wales not to get involved in things like this,”

Mr Mosley went on to say how much he admired the German dictator for standing up for his country’s interests and that Herr Hitler was only looking after German speaking minorities in countries within it’s own sphere of economic interests. He pointed out that the German speaking majority in the Sudetenland of Czechoslovakia wanted the protection of the German Army.

The British Prime Minister, Mr Chamberlain waving a piece of paper above his head, agreed with Mr Mosley and suggested that rather than preparing ourselves for the worst we should all put our money into dodgy off shore schemes and not pay any tax at all like Mr Barlow lead singer of the successful Vaudeville act Take This.

Renegade backbench MP, Mr Churchill was approached to comment on the controversy but was only heard to mutter under his breath “Oh Shit, not again, when will they ever learn.”

In other news, Hollywood film star Charlie Chaplin has been in court today for speeding. He told the court that he needed to get back home quickly as he had a ‘hot date’ with a 13 year old girl. The learned judge sternly told Mr Chaplin to be more careful when driving in the future and sentenced him to perform at the Royal Variety show later in the year.

In Sport, The Arsenal of London beat the North to win the FA Cup. The North were very plucky and took an early lead but ultimately London were dominant in every piece of media coverage.



Filed under Humour, News

Scammers call Santa to fix his pc

This is what happens if a scammer interrupts a needleteam member’s breakfast!




Filed under Humour, Personal