Category Archives: Humour

Fame and Victimhood by Sonia Poison

mean-old-lady

Sonia Poison

It’s been almost two years since I last posted on The Needle but in those two years I’ve been extremely angry. Gojam is still a complete prick and refuses to pay me for my fine investigative germilism. I’ve proved that the McCann’s are key members of the illuminati, I’ve demonstrated that professional meteorologists refuse to answer my question about chemtrails and are therefore part of the global cover-up, and that Wagon Wheels have reduced in size since I was a child. And still that obnoxious prick gojam will not pay me!

Have you noticed recently that making a false allegation can propel a worthy individual to fame and fortune? My good friend Rhesus Monkey, who is very clever, said to me recently that the best way I can get the respect and  recognition I deserve is to make an allegation of victimhood – but I just wasn’t sure and so I had a long chat with my good friend and fellow germalist Mark Twats. Mark knows everything there is to know about making false allegations in an attempt at getting temporary fame. – “Sonia”, he told me, “If you’re going to do this then I’d recommend making a complaint to the Metropolitan Police because in my experience they won’t bother doing the most simple background checks and their police officers have absolutely no sense of shame.”

“Really?”, if I’m honest I was shocked but Mark reassured me, “Sonia” he convincingly opined, ” I was party to that terrible and embarrassing police investigation Operation Highland (Operation name has been changed to protect the incompetent) and I can tell you that if the Metropolitan police will give credence to that stinking  pile of bullshit, then they’ll believe anything.”

“But didn’t the Met make critical inquiries about the allegations in Operation Highland?”

“No!” Mark adamantly responded “and this is the beauty of it all. The Metropolitan Police will only attempt to ‘prove’ your allegation. Actual detective work has gone out of the window.”

“OK, now that is interesting” I replied “because a former victim of child abuse, Barry Lavalamp has sent me  some nasty tweets but the problem is that in the past I’ve been involved in a blog that falsely accused him of being a rapist and the tweets were in response to that.”

“Don’t worry about that.” Mark  said. “It doesn’t matter. The Metropolitan Police won’t bother checking! If they couldn’t be bothered to do a background check on my source ‘Mick’, then they won’t be bothered to do a background check on your activities. Think about it Sonia – I’m so famous now that Tom Gaunt takes my calls.Do this and the ‘Sky’s’ the limit”

I thought about it and then I had a chat with Kay Burley of Sky News -“Kay, you’re a lot younger than me, are more talented, and have better make-up than I have but you understand that women in ‘our’ profession need to fight…” just then my ex toy boyfriend Gangsta ‘gun toting’ Lee Ruin turned the TV over to ‘Judge Judy’ and Kay didn’t have the opportunity to reply – I really wish he wouldn’t do that…

 

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Exclusive: Rupert Murdoch Gives Nazi Salute

Rupert Murdoch

From The Needle’s royal correspondent

A shocking photograph of media mogul Rupert Murdoch apparently giving a Nazi salute has emerged.

There is no way of verifying the context in which Rupert Murdoch makes this public gesture in support of Adolf Hitler but it is bound to be an image that he now regrets.

This public backing of the Anti-Semitic policies of the Nazis and the apparent support of the holocaust by Rupert Murdoch is sure to be controversial.

A spokesperson for Rupert Murdoch in response to our inquiries said, “What ? Who are you?”

The spokesperson at no point denied that the photograph of Rupert Murdoch making this fascist salute in support of the architects of the Blitz was genuine.

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Exclusive: Shocking Photo: Young Queen Heils Taxi

Capture

Are you going south of the river ?

A shocking photo of an impressionable young girl trying to heil a taxi has been published by a tabloid newspaper owned by an Australian republican.

[I really can’t be bothered. Goodnight!]

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The Usual Suspects

Capture

The Victim: Jagger

Following the tragic death of Jagger the Irish setter at Crufts 2015 by poisoning, The Needle’s crime correspondent Hugh Dunnatt examines this heinous crime and looks at the key suspects.

Jagger, a resident of Belgium, was a well behaved dog by all accounts, an easy temperament and so suicide can almost certainly be ruled out.  Tests found that Jagger – pedigree name Thendara Satisfaction – had eaten cubed beef laced with a lethal cocktail of up to three different poisons.

Mrs Milligan-Bott, the dog’s owner, explained that Jagger was only left alone on a handful of occasions and then for no longer than 15 minutes. She is unsure if that was before or after he entered the show ring.

She told Dog World magazine’s website that nothing appeared untoward until Jagger returned to her home in Kilsby, Northamptonshire, after competing on the first day of the show on Thursday.

‘All the dogs were all running and playing together and Jagger seemed a bit tired, unable to keep up with the others,’ she said.

‘Three or four hours later, after getting back to Belgium, he collapsed and by the time the vet arrived he was dead.

Given the limited opportunities to commit this crime there are very few suspects.

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Suspect 1 ‘Horatio’

Horatio has a record as long as your arm and is extremely anti-social. He was once kept indoors for 3 weeks for running off while being walked. He was not found for 5 hours and when he was found he was extremely muddy and needed a bath. Getting on a bit now, Horatio has been in retirement following the ‘barking incident’ of 2012 but an insider noted that Horatio was still capable of devious behaviour. “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” he explained, “And Horatio knows most of them.”

Horatio has no alibi for the time in question.

Reddins4b

Suspect 2: The Stengel brothers. Drake, Raleigh, and Cooky

Generally, acknowledged to be one of the most effective criminal gangs in the dog underworld the Stengel brothers have specialised in theft. That said this nasty pack would have no moral qualms about committing murder if the price was right and enough bonios were offered. Their Modus Operandi is the distraction technique with Drake and Raleigh drawing everyone’s attention while Cooky slyly does the dirty. All the dogs were present but there is some confusion as to whether two or three of the Stengel gang have alibis. An unexplained box of dog treats were found in their pen. They are refusing to cooperate with investigators.

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Suspect 3: ‘Babyface’ Malone

Do not be taken in by the cute appearance of ‘Babyface’ Malone, too many have and regretted it later. Malone is a ‘wooflessly’ efficient criminal canine who has been chewing furniture and stealing other dog’s toys from the moment he was born. He is suspected of being behind the ‘Pee-Gate’ scandal last year. He has no alibi for the time in question.

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Suspect 4: Arthur

 Arthur is a mongrel and can give no explanation as to why he was at Crufts. Always in the vicinity when heinous crimes of this nature are committed he has never been found guilty of anything so much as a misdemeanour. His alibi is that he was attempting to hump the leg of one of the judges at the time. This alibi has not yet been verified.

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“Girl Water Diviner” 1954 Pathe News

I’ve been having a little fun looking through old Pathe News stories and this one made me laugh.

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Job Advert For Vice Admiral

Damn! I missed this one.

Untitled

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Trolling: By Sonia Poison

mean-old-lady

Sonia Poison

Hello everyone!

My name is Sonia Poison and I’m very angry.

Right now I’m very angry that I accepted the invitation to be the new commentator for The Needle. I’m angry because gojam doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. I should be in charge of The Needle because I’m a real germalist, a professional germalist. You can check me out if you don’t believe me. What you don’t believe me? Well you’re just not checking hard enough! Have you checked the Shoreditch Parish newsletter and my article about trolling ? The editor, Rev Peedribble, said it was very good!

I know all about trolling. My good friend Rhesus Monkey and I know all there is to know about trolling.

There was this troll that has been attacking my dear sweet good friend Rhesus Monkey and myself. He’s a rapist!! I mean he would only have been a child himself at the time and he denies it but they all do don’t they! And you should have seen the way he trolled us both in response to that. And all we were doing was just asking questions!

Doesn’t he understand that is what germalists like me do ? We ask questions! We are the difference between a decent society full of people like those that follow me on twitter and a world full of rapists. We just don’t get recognised for all of our hard work.

Rhesus Monkey was only asking me the other day, “Sonia”, he asked, “why do they hate us so much when we’re only asking questions like what proper germalists do?”

“Rhesus”, I replied, “the very fact that they hate us justifies everything we do. In fact the more everyone hates us the more right we must be.” Rhesus thought for a while and then said something very clever, “In that case Sonia if they hate us twice as much we must be twice as right!”

And he’s correct! We must re-double our efforts. These trolls can’t get away with it!

One of Rhesus Monkey’s friends Joan Ruffle had a big problem with trolling too. She was only writing to people’s employers and telling them about the criminal records that they don’t have. And for this, just this, she got attacked! OK, she had no proof and she was wrong but just because she was wrong about the facts doesn’t mean she was wrong to write the emails . Rhesus Monkey and I don’t like them and if we don’t like them then they are on the ‘wrong ‘un’ list.

And do you know how these trolls responded ? Eh? Do you ? No, you don’t. They responded by trolling our dear gentle sweet friend Joan Ruffle. Trolling! Disgusting! All she was doing was letting their employers know about the criminal records that they don’t have and that is how they respond!

Anyway, I’m not happy about working for The Needle. Not at all. Gojam isn’t a germalist like me but I’m going to use this opportunity as a stepping stone to where I should be, BBC News, Sky News or Channel 4 News.

You know I was just talking to Jon Snow, of Channel 4 News the other day. “Jon” I said,”You’ve got a lot of diversity represented on Channel 4 News but you haven’t got any elderly female presenters. What I think you need…” I had to stop talking to Jon Snow at that point as Ryan turned the TV over to watch ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’. I do hate it when he does that.

Next Monday I shall be here to tell you all about the McCanns and how angry they make me.

Angrily yours,

Sonia Poison

 

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