It’s been almost two years since I last posted on The Needle but in those two years I’ve been extremely angry. Gojam is still a complete prick and refuses to pay me for my fine investigative germilism. I’ve proved that the McCann’s are key members of the illuminati, I’ve demonstrated that professional meteorologists refuse to answer my question about chemtrails and are therefore part of the global cover-up, and that Wagon Wheels have reduced in size since I was a child. And still that obnoxious prick gojam will not pay me!
Have you noticed recently that making a false allegation can propel a worthy individual to fame and fortune? My good friend Rhesus Monkey, who is very clever, said to me recently that the best way I can get the respect and recognition I deserve is to make an allegation of victimhood – but I just wasn’t sure and so I had a long chat with my good friend and fellow germalist Mark Twats. Mark knows everything there is to know about making false allegations in an attempt at getting temporary fame. – “Sonia”, he told me, “If you’re going to do this then I’d recommend making a complaint to the Metropolitan Police because in my experience they won’t bother doing the most simple background checks and their police officers have absolutely no sense of shame.”
“Really?”, if I’m honest I was shocked but Mark reassured me, “Sonia” he convincingly opined, ” I was party to that terrible and embarrassing police investigation Operation Highland (Operation name has been changed to protect the incompetent) and I can tell you that if the Metropolitan police will give credence to that stinking pile of bullshit, then they’ll believe anything.”
“But didn’t the Met make critical inquiries about the allegations in Operation Highland?”
“No!” Mark adamantly responded “and this is the beauty of it all. The Metropolitan Police will only attempt to ‘prove’ your allegation. Actual detective work has gone out of the window.”
“OK, now that is interesting” I replied “because a former victim of child abuse, Barry Lavalamp has sent me some nasty tweets but the problem is that in the past I’ve been involved in a blog that falsely accused him of being a rapist and the tweets were in response to that.”
“Don’t worry about that.” Mark said. “It doesn’t matter. The Metropolitan Police won’t bother checking! If they couldn’t be bothered to do a background check on my source ‘Mick’, then they won’t be bothered to do a background check on your activities. Think about it Sonia – I’m so famous now that Tom Gaunt takes my calls.Do this and the ‘Sky’s’ the limit”
I thought about it and then I had a chat with Kay Burley of Sky News -“Kay, you’re a lot younger than me, are more talented, and have better make-up than I have but you understand that women in ‘our’ profession need to fight…” just then my ex toy boyfriend Gangsta ‘gun toting’ Lee Ruin turned the TV over to ‘Judge Judy’ and Kay didn’t have the opportunity to reply – I really wish he wouldn’t do that…