Trolling: By Sonia Poison

Sonia Poison

Hello everyone!

My name is Sonia Poison and I’m very angry.

Right now I’m very angry that I accepted the invitation to be the new commentator for The Needle. I’m angry because gojam doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. I should be in charge of The Needle because I’m a real germalist, a professional germalist. You can check me out if you don’t believe me. What you don’t believe me? Well you’re just not checking hard enough! Have you checked the Shoreditch Parish newsletter and my article about trolling ? The editor, Rev Peedribble, said it was very good!

I know all about trolling. My good friend Rhesus Monkey and I know all there is to know about trolling.

There was this troll that has been attacking my dear sweet good friend Rhesus Monkey and myself. He’s a rapist!! I mean he would only have been a child himself at the time and he denies it but they all do don’t they! And you should have seen the way he trolled us both in response to that. And all we were doing was just asking questions!

Doesn’t he understand that is what germalists like me do ? We ask questions! We are the difference between a decent society full of people like those that follow me on twitter and a world full of rapists. We just don’t get recognised for all of our hard work.

Rhesus Monkey was only asking me the other day, “Sonia”, he asked, “why do they hate us so much when we’re only asking questions like what proper germalists do?”

“Rhesus”, I replied, “the very fact that they hate us justifies everything we do. In fact the more everyone hates us the more right we must be.” Rhesus thought for a while and then said something very clever, “In that case Sonia if they hate us twice as much we must be twice as right!”

And he’s correct! We must re-double our efforts. These trolls can’t get away with it!

One of Rhesus Monkey’s friends Joan Ruffle had a big problem with trolling too. She was only writing to people’s employers and telling them about the criminal records that they don’t have. And for this, just this, she got attacked! OK, she had no proof and she was wrong but just because she was wrong about the facts doesn’t mean she was wrong to write the emails . Rhesus Monkey and I don’t like them and if we don’t like them then they are on the ‘wrong ‘un’ list.

And do you know how these trolls responded ? Eh? Do you ? No, you don’t. They responded by trolling our dear gentle sweet friend Joan Ruffle. Trolling! Disgusting! All she was doing was letting their employers know about the criminal records that they don’t have and that is how they respond!

Anyway, I’m not happy about working for The Needle. Not at all. Gojam isn’t a germalist like me but I’m going to use this opportunity as a stepping stone to where I should be, BBC News, Sky News or Channel 4 News.

You know I was just talking to Jon Snow, of Channel 4 News the other day. “Jon” I said,”You’ve got a lot of diversity represented on Channel 4 News but you haven’t got any elderly female presenters. What I think you need…” I had to stop talking to Jon Snow at that point as Ryan turned the TV over to watch ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’. I do hate it when he does that.

Next Monday I shall be here to tell you all about the McCanns and how angry they make me.

Angrily yours,

Sonia Poison