Fame and Victimhood by Sonia Poison

Sonia Poison

It’s been almost two years since I last posted on The Needle but in those two years I’ve been extremely angry. Gojam is still a complete prick and refuses to pay me for my fine investigative germilism. I’ve proved that the McCann’s are key members of the illuminati, I’ve demonstrated that professional meteorologists refuse to answer my question about chemtrails and are therefore part of the global cover-up, and that Wagon Wheels have reduced in size since I was a child. And still that obnoxious prick gojam will not pay me!

Have you noticed recently that making a false allegation can propel a worthy individual to fame and fortune? My good friend Rhesus Monkey, who is very clever, said to me recently that the best way I can get the respect and  recognition I deserve is to make an allegation of victimhood – but I just wasn’t sure and so I had a long chat with my good friend and fellow germalist Mark Twats. Mark knows everything there is to know about making false allegations in an attempt at getting temporary fame. – “Sonia”, he told me, “If you’re going to do this then I’d recommend making a complaint to the Metropolitan Police because in my experience they won’t bother doing the most simple background checks and their police officers have absolutely no sense of shame.”

“Really?”, if I’m honest I was shocked but Mark reassured me, “Sonia” he convincingly opined, ” I was party to that terrible and embarrassing police investigation Operation Highland (Operation name has been changed to protect the incompetent) and I can tell you that if the Metropolitan police will give credence to that stinking  pile of bullshit, then they’ll believe anything.”

“But didn’t the Met make critical inquiries about the allegations in Operation Highland?”

“No!” Mark adamantly responded “and this is the beauty of it all. The Metropolitan Police will only attempt to ‘prove’ your allegation. Actual detective work has gone out of the window.”

“OK, now that is interesting” I replied “because a former victim of child abuse, Barry Lavalamp has sent me  some nasty tweets but the problem is that in the past I’ve been involved in a blog that falsely accused him of being a rapist and the tweets were in response to that.”

“Don’t worry about that.” Mark  said. “It doesn’t matter. The Metropolitan Police won’t bother checking! If they couldn’t be bothered to do a background check on my source ‘Mick’, then they won’t be bothered to do a background check on your activities. Think about it Sonia – I’m so famous now that Tom Gaunt takes my calls.Do this and the ‘Sky’s’ the limit”

I thought about it and then I had a chat with Kay Burley of Sky News -“Kay, you’re a lot younger than me, are more talented, and have better make-up than I have but you understand that women in ‘our’ profession need to fight…” just then my ex toy boyfriend Gangsta ‘gun toting’ Lee Ruin turned the TV over to ‘Judge Judy’ and Kay didn’t have the opportunity to reply – I really wish he wouldn’t do that…

 

Trolling: By Sonia Poison

Sonia Poison

Hello everyone!

My name is Sonia Poison and I’m very angry.

Right now I’m very angry that I accepted the invitation to be the new commentator for The Needle. I’m angry because gojam doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. I should be in charge of The Needle because I’m a real germalist, a professional germalist. You can check me out if you don’t believe me. What you don’t believe me? Well you’re just not checking hard enough! Have you checked the Shoreditch Parish newsletter and my article about trolling ? The editor, Rev Peedribble, said it was very good!

I know all about trolling. My good friend Rhesus Monkey and I know all there is to know about trolling.

There was this troll that has been attacking my dear sweet good friend Rhesus Monkey and myself. He’s a rapist!! I mean he would only have been a child himself at the time and he denies it but they all do don’t they! And you should have seen the way he trolled us both in response to that. And all we were doing was just asking questions!

Doesn’t he understand that is what germalists like me do ? We ask questions! We are the difference between a decent society full of people like those that follow me on twitter and a world full of rapists. We just don’t get recognised for all of our hard work.

Rhesus Monkey was only asking me the other day, “Sonia”, he asked, “why do they hate us so much when we’re only asking questions like what proper germalists do?”

“Rhesus”, I replied, “the very fact that they hate us justifies everything we do. In fact the more everyone hates us the more right we must be.” Rhesus thought for a while and then said something very clever, “In that case Sonia if they hate us twice as much we must be twice as right!”

And he’s correct! We must re-double our efforts. These trolls can’t get away with it!

One of Rhesus Monkey’s friends Joan Ruffle had a big problem with trolling too. She was only writing to people’s employers and telling them about the criminal records that they don’t have. And for this, just this, she got attacked! OK, she had no proof and she was wrong but just because she was wrong about the facts doesn’t mean she was wrong to write the emails . Rhesus Monkey and I don’t like them and if we don’t like them then they are on the ‘wrong ‘un’ list.

And do you know how these trolls responded ? Eh? Do you ? No, you don’t. They responded by trolling our dear gentle sweet friend Joan Ruffle. Trolling! Disgusting! All she was doing was letting their employers know about the criminal records that they don’t have and that is how they respond!

Anyway, I’m not happy about working for The Needle. Not at all. Gojam isn’t a germalist like me but I’m going to use this opportunity as a stepping stone to where I should be, BBC News, Sky News or Channel 4 News.

You know I was just talking to Jon Snow, of Channel 4 News the other day. “Jon” I said,”You’ve got a lot of diversity represented on Channel 4 News but you haven’t got any elderly female presenters. What I think you need…” I had to stop talking to Jon Snow at that point as Ryan turned the TV over to watch ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’. I do hate it when he does that.

Next Monday I shall be here to tell you all about the McCanns and how angry they make me.

Angrily yours,

Sonia Poison