The Usual Suspects

Capture

The Victim: Jagger

Following the tragic death of Jagger the Irish setter at Crufts 2015 by poisoning, The Needle’s crime correspondent Hugh Dunnatt examines this heinous crime and looks at the key suspects.

Jagger, a resident of Belgium, was a well behaved dog by all accounts, an easy temperament and so suicide can almost certainly be ruled out.  Tests found that Jagger – pedigree name Thendara Satisfaction – had eaten cubed beef laced with a lethal cocktail of up to three different poisons.

Mrs Milligan-Bott, the dog’s owner, explained that Jagger was only left alone on a handful of occasions and then for no longer than 15 minutes. She is unsure if that was before or after he entered the show ring.

She told Dog World magazine’s website that nothing appeared untoward until Jagger returned to her home in Kilsby, Northamptonshire, after competing on the first day of the show on Thursday.

‘All the dogs were all running and playing together and Jagger seemed a bit tired, unable to keep up with the others,’ she said.

‘Three or four hours later, after getting back to Belgium, he collapsed and by the time the vet arrived he was dead.

Given the limited opportunities to commit this crime there are very few suspects.

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Suspect 1 ‘Horatio’

Horatio has a record as long as your arm and is extremely anti-social. He was once kept indoors for 3 weeks for running off while being walked. He was not found for 5 hours and when he was found he was extremely muddy and needed a bath. Getting on a bit now, Horatio has been in retirement following the ‘barking incident’ of 2012 but an insider noted that Horatio was still capable of devious behaviour. “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” he explained, “And Horatio knows most of them.”

Horatio has no alibi for the time in question.

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Suspect 2: The Stengel brothers. Drake, Raleigh, and Cooky

Generally, acknowledged to be one of the most effective criminal gangs in the dog underworld the Stengel brothers have specialised in theft. That said this nasty pack would have no moral qualms about committing murder if the price was right and enough bonios were offered. Their Modus Operandi is the distraction technique with Drake and Raleigh drawing everyone’s attention while Cooky slyly does the dirty. All the dogs were present but there is some confusion as to whether two or three of the Stengel gang have alibis. An unexplained box of dog treats were found in their pen. They are refusing to cooperate with investigators.

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Suspect 3: ‘Babyface’ Malone

Do not be taken in by the cute appearance of ‘Babyface’ Malone, too many have and regretted it later. Malone is a ‘wooflessly’ efficient criminal canine who has been chewing furniture and stealing other dog’s toys from the moment he was born. He is suspected of being behind the ‘Pee-Gate’ scandal last year. He has no alibi for the time in question.

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Suspect 4: Arthur

 Arthur is a mongrel and can give no explanation as to why he was at Crufts. Always in the vicinity when heinous crimes of this nature are committed he has never been found guilty of anything so much as a misdemeanour. His alibi is that he was attempting to hump the leg of one of the judges at the time. This alibi has not yet been verified.

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30 Comments

Filed under Humour, News

30 responses to “The Usual Suspects

  1. Pingback: The Usual Suspects | Alternative News Network

  2. TinaBee

    Really?? The poor dog! I really respect your work Gojam and what you post here and last time I looked my sense of humour was fully intact but this?

  3. George Williams

    Not funny even remotely.

  4. Mr Trellis

    I agree with TinaBee – Have followed your work for a long time, and respected your word, but this isn’t well timed or even funny – it’s bad enough anyone losing a loved pet, but the fact it was poisoned at a major event is very serious. For many pet owners the animal is invested in as much love and care as any other family member. Would you joke about a child dying in similar circumstances?

  5. Gary

    Strange how one dead Belgian dog keeps Syria, Afghanistan, child abuse etc out of the news. Why is this national news? Dead dogs don’t usually rate column inches in local papers…

    • dpack

      see my name,im a canine fan and i find this piece is good trench humour,a dead dog is a personal tragedy and a murdered dog would make me very cross but pointing out the disproportionate response in the msm in an ironic way is perfectly valid imho.

  6. dpack

    ps a friend of mine whose child died aged 3 was very upset when somebody said their dog dying was like losing a child .

  7. Tessa

    Have to say I thought it was very funny for the very same reason dpack said.

    One aspect of the investigation not mentioned or alluded to so far is whether or not Jagger’s employers had taken out a corporate-owned life insurance policy (or any other policy for that matter) on him.

    I’m sure the authorities will be sniffing at all possible leads.

    Having said that, it’s the mongrel what did it. Look guilty as hell going by those press pics and any official inquiry will show it to be so.

  8. Sabre

    Gojam,
    They’re going to hound you over this !

  9. Sabre

    You appear to be barking up the wrong tree.

  10. Sabre

    You’ve made a dog’s breakfast of it !

  11. Sabre

    The culprit will end up being Boris the Borzoi. We all know the Ruskies are evil !

  12. Sabre

    It turns out that Jagger was a DI6 agent using Crufts as cover to make a “Brush pass” with Yuri the Ukranian Ovcharka.

    Boris got wind of it and poisoned his chow with chemicals that are going to lead back to Monsanto !

  13. A blot on all the good work you do. The poisoning of an innocent animal can never be funny,it’s painful death not a subject for jokes.Surprised at your lack of respect

  14. IWTT

    Not funny GoJam.

    I ‘worked’ a Border Collie for 6 years in search and rescue and stepped him down when he was 12 years old. He received a commendation in that time for locating a teenager in a ‘gunnel’ and providing warmth whilst the helicopter came in. That teenager had taken drugs and alcohol, before walking home and became disorientated. He wandered so far off the usual route home it would have been almost impossible to find him without our working dogs..

    The S&R squad said that my dog could NOT be rescued by the same helicopter (too expensive) so many of us spent 2 hours encouraging him to scramble a very steep, muddy bank in the forest. [I wanted to go down and get him – but again, was told I would not get helicopter rescue].

    I would never parade my dog at crufts – but the competition therein leads me to believe that poisoning a competitor is possible.

    We train S&R dogs never to eat/drink whilst ‘working’ other than by their owner in their own bowls.

  15. Sabre

    If the Westminster elite had been cruel to animals instead of kids we would have had a revolution and a people’s provisional government by now !

    If the extremists killed dogs and cats instead of soldiers on our streets the army would have to be mobilised.

  16. Jane

    Very surprised that your sensible and empathetic approach to human beings has been replaced by sick ‘humour’ when talking about an act of callous and horrible cruelty to an innocent animal. Not funny. I’m shocked.

  17. Sabre

    No more satirising MSM priorities Gojam, very few seem to have seen the point.
    A dog dying from poison, of itself isn’t funny ( surely we all knew that anyway !!! ) , The extent of the media coverage in the light of so many pressing issues is ridiculous. Frankly, it’s disappointing to have to break character in order to explain this to all those so easily offended that they failed to see.

  18. It’s just a dog that was taking part in a freak show

    • Marie Antoinette

      For many OAP`s a dog or a cat is the only company they may have bless them,but I feel sure Gojam means no harm with his light hearted humour,I love my little staffie and would be lost without her,she also keeps my colony of cats in order,plus keeps intruders away

      • Sabre

        Don’t feed the staffie too much cake.
        Consider getting a couple of Rottweilers to help the staffie keep those revolutionaries at bay.

  19. Angela

    I’m with Sabre on this one. Animal cruelty is an horrific crime and what happened to the dog is truly awful but I don’t really think that’s the main reason it is getting so much media attention. f you can’t see the point Gojam is making about media laziness and cynical manipulation of public sentiment, try harder, This story is click-bait not journalism.

  20. Enna

    This is nothing to laugh about, any form of cruelty is horrendous and I am suspicious of anyone who would make a joke out of it. As for the comment about the difference between losing a child and losing a pet, it is all relative to the person in pain. For some, those who have been treated badly and abandoned by their fellow humans, a dog’s love and loyalty is the most precious thing they have.

  21. Lomond Handley

    Gojam, you ought to be thoroughly ashamed of yourself for treating the poisoning of that poor dog as a joke.

    It’s not funny and neither are you..
    An absolutely wicked and cruel act, treated with mirth by one who should know better !

  22. dpack

    https://duckduckgo.com/?q=litvinenko&ia=news

    a dead dog although tragic is not often a step on the path to war

    • Lomond Handley

      Sadly Gojam isn’t an idiot. He or she could be forgiven if he or she was, but no.

      Insensitive and callous.

      • Jo Dunkley

        Agreed Lomond, An idiot could indeed be forgiven, the fact that you quite rightly say he or she isn’t does indeed make it much less forgivable. Unforgivable even.

    • Sabre

      Very remiss of an outfit like the FSB to use Polonium 210 that is extremely difficult to obtain in quantities sufficient to kill, that would lead straight back to them and that you have to engineer your victim into ingesting (alpha radiation can’t even penetrate skin)
      .
      Polonium 210 was detected in the Mayfair offices of the one time robber baron Berezovsky as well as the Grosvenor St offices of Erinsys

      Berezovsky only fell out of love with Mother Russia when he failed to succeed Yeltsin and was outflanked and dispossessed by the Putin faction.

      A cynic could be forgiven for pondering the possibility that a man of Berezovsky’s means and influence would kill a ‘friend’ with a weapon that indicted his enemies.

      http://rt.com/news/berezovsky-litvinenko-murder-allegations-662/

      I know that rt is Russian and that they have interests and agenda but then again so does the local MSM a plurality of interests and agenda at least widens the spectrum if nothing else.

  23. Jo Dunkley

    I really respect the work of this blog but this really is not funny!! I actually can’t believe you have thought that this horrible cruel act to a defenceless animal could be made humorous…..Sick stupid and bloody juvenile. You are an idiot.

  24. Marie Antoinette

    Sabre
    Re keep the revolutionaries in order with Rottweilers,how did you learn of my Russian Blues,no need to get Rottweilers my little staffy keeps em all in order along with my black bunny and his lions mane hees a thug.

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